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Jealous Wife

 
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edtheredhead



Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 81
Location: Northwest PA

PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 10:36 am    Post subject: Jealous Wife Reply with quote

I tried to post this last night, but it doesn't look like it posted.

My wife told me last night that she is jealous of my relationship with my daughter. Wife feels like I'm more focused on daughter than her and that she (wife) is a third wheel.

I'm not sure what to do with this. I work out of my home, so for the first couple of hours my wife is home, I'm working. Then we have family hour for before daughter goes to bed. Then my wife & I spend an hour or so every night just chatting, etc. We also have a date every week where my mom watches daughter so wife & I can go out.

Any other ideas?

Thanks.
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Ed
Married to Margaret (1996)
1 daughter Belinda (1999)
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BigDaddy
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Feb 2005
Posts: 148
Location: Orlando

PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 10:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ed, does your wife want more time with you alone or does she want more mother/daughter time?

As for our situation, my wife would like more family activities as a whole, whereas I would prefer more husband/wife activities without the kids. I've been trying to find another couple to do the date night thing for a long time without success. Probably 2-3 times a year, we do take a long weekend together and drop the kids off at grandmas house. You may ask your mom if she could watch daughter for a long weekend also.

Another suggestion is that I try to stay out of mom/kids play time on the weekends. Finding some chores, yard work, etc which I save for the weekends. This way if i'm busy, the kids will interact with mom more.

I hoped some of these suggestions has helped.

Mark
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Father of 2 formerly homeschooled boys: Adam-15, Lucas-13
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bartii



Joined: 31 Mar 2005
Posts: 180
Location: Boise, ID

PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 11:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It sounds like you are doing the right things. But here are a couple of suggestions:

1) Is there a way that you can avoid working for a couple of hours after your wife gets home? Next, if you can't avoid that take twenty minutes out of your time, when she gets home, just spending time with her. If she cooks then ask her what you can do.

2) Sit down, without any distractions from your child, hold her hand and ask her why she feels like a third wheel. Ask her what does she need, that she is not getting now, in order to help her grow. She is female and she also wants that bond with her daughter.

This is the hard part , for you, of number two. Just listen. Let her talk after you propose these questions. Next, don't say well, "I do this and I do that." Tell her you understand. If she asks you for an answer right there and then go ahead and give her an answer. But, let her know you will work on this matter tomorrow and get back with her tomorrow night when she gets home and you can have your private time with her.

One other thing. When you are chatting with her are you talking about her job or are you talking about just your child? Do you pick a subject out when it flashes on the news and discuss that? Do you tell her everyday how much you love her and missed her? Maybe she needs flowers to show her that you love her. Send them to her job if you can.
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Paul
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 1:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You also might consider the role of socialization. One of the complaints I constantly heard when I was working out of the house was varients on, "The wife cares more about the children than she does about me." The traditional male role in our society armors us somewhat against this feeling by emphasizing our manly breadwinning. On the other hand, our wives have been raised with expectations of raising the children. I know that my wife admitted several years ago that even though staying home with the children would drive her stark raving bonkers, she still felt jealosy over "competition" from her children and guilt over not being at home. We explicitly try to make time for Mama and the kids ... especially individually, and reserve some Mama and Papa time. It seems to help a lot. It also helps if I make sure to balance my stories of what the children did today with listening to what happened to her at work.

Paul
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 10:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for all the advice. I'm still in the "taking it all in stage" and trying to figure out where to go from here.
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ketch1



Joined: 25 Apr 2005
Posts: 1
Location: Covington, La. near New Orleans

PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 5:11 pm    Post subject: Wife is jealous but we are work in progress Reply with quote

Hi,

I'm new here but this topic is worth exploring. My situation is a bit different in that I am disabled and no longer work. We started homeschool (actually un-schooling) three (3) years ago.

My wife goes in and out of the "I'm never with kid" syndrome. It's tough for her. But what we ended up doing was to insure that she was the primary after work/school care giver. Also whn a question is asked of me I take care to include her in the answer/decision or let her do it herself. This went a long way to my wife feeling closer to my son.

We also (on purpose) arrange for me to miss some activities and athletics so that mom can be the driver and the cheerleader. This gives my wife a sense of fulfilment and my son a sense of having two carrying parents.

Other things such as travel (on my wife's part) are a bit trickier. When she returns I make a concerted effort to get my son excited about it. His enthusiam is received well and this also tends to make my wife feel better.

I hope that this helps a little.

Charles
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Rich



Joined: 18 May 2005
Posts: 173
Location: Coastal New England

PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2005 8:15 am    Post subject: Re: Jealous Wife Reply with quote

edtheredhead wrote:
I tried to post this last night, but it doesn't look like it posted.

My wife told me last night that she is jealous of my relationship with my daughter. Wife feels like I'm more focused on daughter than her and that she (wife) is a third wheel.

I'm not sure what to do with this. I work out of my home, so for the first couple of hours my wife is home, I'm working. Then we have family hour for before daughter goes to bed. Then my wife & I spend an hour or so every night just chatting, etc. We also have a date every week where my mom watches daughter so wife & I can go out.

Any other ideas?

Thanks.


Hi Ed,

It sounds like you're right on the communication process. The doors are open and many excellent pieces are in place like date night, one-on-one quiet time each evening, and so on. Maybe Margaret needs a bit more spontaneous attention or activity that you initiate. She may be a little hesitant to ask because you are so busy double-timing the schooling and working. It might also still be adjustment. This homeschooling thing is a very strange lifestyle when compared to the typical lifestyle here today. Hope this helps. By the way, I'm the one who replied indirectly to you about the convention- "getting the sticker". I would've done a quote in order to connect it but didn't think of it at the time.

Rich
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homeschooling since '97: daughter, 18- away at college, son, 16 and daughter 13
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